Goal Celebration of the Day: Day 2

It seems as though I was spoiled by our Day 1 winner, because the goal celebrations today could have been performed by a sloth on barbiturates. Beyond boring. The closest thing to excitement was a little Don Quixote-esque windmilling by South Korea. Seriously? You follow up a group Macarena with a half-ass windmill? You don't even have the best goal celebrations in the World Cup for a team with the first name of 'South.' Ok, fine. At least you destroyed Greece.

(Food for thought: Speaking of Greece, say Greece does in fact score in this World Cup. Given their fine fiscal maneuvers in recent years, I'll go ahead and hypothesize that their celebration will involve burning a large pile of currency. Productive? No. Entertaining? Oh yes.)

Now this rash of cumbersome goal celebrations got me thinking: Is there a reason for these post-goal tea parties masquerading as jubilation?

Yes. There is. And that reason is safety (just ask poor, poor Kendry Morales). What is that I hear you collectively saying? There's no way celebrating a goal could put a player in harms way? Well, my ignorant pupils, how wrong you are.

With that in mind, today's edition of GCoftheD will explore what NOT to do when celebrating a goal to elucidate the risk/reward structure of a hearty celebration. As I am a renaissance man, I shall aggregate lessons learned from failed celebrations across the sporting landscape in an attempt to save our favorite footballers from themselves.

• The Pierce-Coined just this week, Paul Pierce discovered exactly what you shouldn't do following a momentum shifting-play: punch the ref in the face. The zebras carry substantial weight in determining whether or not you live to play another day. Even if you offer to pay their dental, I'd still probably advise against this.
  

• So let's say you do manage not to sock the referee in the grill in a fit of joy. What else should be on the lookout for? I would heavily advise you avoid The Kerwin Bell, known colloquially as The Comebacker. You might be happy. Doesn't mean your equipment gives a shit.

• You've now reached the point where you've safely distanced yourself from any rogue bats, balls, cleats, rosin bags, javelins, or cracker jacks. You're in the clear. It's you, the spotlight, and the roar of the crowd. What could go wrong? The Gramatica. Unfortunately, no video exists of this wondrous event, in which a game winning field goal was commemorated by a celebratory tear of the ACL. For the good of the masses, however, Kendry Morales somehow managed to improve on this modern day masterpiece by sacrificing his own leg to the grand slam gods. Sure, you may be a professional athlete, but gravity still has you on lockdown.
  

• Admittedly, this is a lot to keep in mind, but safety is no laughing matter. That said, there is one more thing to keep in mind in the midst of your post-goal euphoria: your genitals. Evolution has blessed you with these bad boys to keep your goal-scoring genes propagating through the ages. Don't let them end up in your teammate's mouth. Beware of The Chomp.

And we've finally reached the end of this cautionary tale. Celebrating a goal may seem to be an innocuous outpouring of joy. It's not. There are more deaths from goal celebrations every year than from being speared by a Q-tip. Consider yourself warned.

While today's goal celebrations were most certainly lackluster, they all deserve a gold star for avoiding disaster, as all limbs and appendages remained intact and all referees escaped unabused.

The World Cup is a long tournament, fraught with opportunities to meet your own demise. Therefore, if you must bite your teammate's penis, do it in the finals.