Return of the Mack

And here we are again. A mere 11 months after I promised to start blogging again, I'm promising to start blogging again.

And not one soul noticed.

I work better alone anyways.

Am I the only one who's noticed that youtube now has a cute little soccer ball shaped button on its video player which gracefully overlays 400 dB vuvuzelas over your favorite video? Well, you can thank me later.



Brutal. Just brutal.

I wish I could write stuff this good

And it's real.

First vuvuzela casualty confirmed.

Nigerian president grumpy. Takes ball and goes back to palace.

Spain/Portugal: Second Half

I can only rip on Cristiano Ronaldo so much until even I get tired of it. Something funny better happen or I'm boycotting Europe.

• A fair amount the Spanish team looks like they forgot to hop aboard the evolution train. Woops.
• Right on cue, Tarzan almost clears a shot into his own goal. Tarzan bad.
• Really, Portugal? The coolest one-named soccer star you can come up with is Danny? I can only hope this leads to a generation of Thurstons and Everetts.
• GOALLLLLLLL DAVID VILLA (62') Rattles a rebound off the crossbar to take the lead. The guy is an absolute animal. It's just not fair to have a soul patch that sexy AND be that good at soccer. Talk about putting all of your eggs in one basket.
• Spanish defender has his jersey ripped open in the front, simultaneously exposing prepubescently hairless chest and providing a nice Saturday Night Fever vibe to the 70's feel Uruguay has already successfully infused in this World Cup.
• 73rd minute. Ronaldo's thong is probably starting to feel a bit tighter right about now.
• Spain has apparently deemed it a swell time to play keepaway. Portugal might wish to reschedule.
• BCRF count: 2. Ronaldo takes a minie ball to the chest. Oh, no... wait. Forgive me, it was just a slight breeze. ONE MORE to make the over. You have 5 minutes, Ronaldo. Come on!
• Another superbly dealt out red card on a Portugese attacker for a no contact elbow. It was at least 18 inches from making contact with anything, yet the Spanish defender goes down like he took a blow dart to the temple. Even Ken Griffey Jr. couldn't have gotten injured on that play.
• FULL TIME Bracket still alive. The head referee, however, may not be in approximately 15 minutes.
  

Spain/Portugal: First Half

Today we have #2 vs #3 in the FIFA world rankings going at it in the round of sixteen. Doesn't get much better than this. Oh wait... it does. My advisor isn't coming in to work today and I'm getting paid as I write this. Count it.

• Today's Over-Under on Blatant Cristiano Ronaldo Flops (or BCRFs, if you will): 2.5. Put your money in now. This number is dangerously low.
• Portugal with a great opportunity when the Spanish keeper decides the most appropriate place to direct the ball is directly up and slightly backwards towards his own net. Brilliant. His super slow mo reaction is truly stupendous though. Who knew this could be so versatile.
  
• BCRF count: 1. Doesn't get the call and stands around whining in protest. If (when) Portugal doesn't win the World Cup, I suggest that Nike re-film their epic commercial and splice in some footage of someone making a swan-diving Ronaldo sculpture out of cow pies. It's for the people.
  
• Spanish keeper celebrates yet another Portugese shot gracefully by tossing the ball directly up in the air again. It's really quite festive.
• BCRF count nearly reaches 2 as Ronaldo almost faceplants in the open field. Stunning.
• HALF Still time to get your money in.
  

Excellent solution

Atta boy, FIFA. Instead of imploring your referees to get the calls right, let's just hammer the stadium replay crew for showing the fans and players what the right call really should have been. At least your insistence to stay firmly anchored in 1950 isn't hurting the game or anything.

Forgive my absence

I was traveling. Tomorrow, back on my game.

P.S. RIP USA

Game-winning goal shows what Americans are all about

Pretoria, South Africa- Landon Donovan's spectacular, game-winning strike in stoppage time to power the United States through to the knockout stage of the 2010 World Cup will surely be remembered by football fans around the globe for years to come. In the homeland, however, fans and players alike believe that the goal stands for so much more. It represents America and her people.

When asked what his miraculous strike meant to him, Donovan replied "I think this goal is what America is all about. When the world thinks about Americans, they think about people that are hard working, have pet bald eagles, and shoot lasers out of their faces. This goal and this victory just go to prove that those things are true."

US coach Bob Bradley shared similar sentiments: "We had a good goal taken away last week and again today. We showed what Americans are about by picking ourselves up and not letting those hardships hold us back. I mean, think about America. There's not a single racial, political, ethnic, sexual, or gender group who can't unconditionally succeed. America is a place where success is based on hard work and character alone and absolutely nothing else whatsoever."

Indeed, hard work and perseverance have characterized the US team's stunning run to the top of Group C and into the elimination rounds. They'll need more of the same knock off a dangerous Ghana team and continue their march toward the ultimate prize in international football.

"Dude! Did you see that?!" added midfielder Clint Dempsey "When that Algerian dude elbowed me in the face, I bled RED. Red, man! That's no coincidence. If he would have taken two more shots at me I would've been bleeding white and blue. Guaranteed." Dempsey then proceeded to rip off his jersey to expose a full-back tattoo of Uncle Sam painting the Mona Lisa with his toes.

The US plays their round of 16 game against Ghana this Saturday.

Goal Celebration of the Millenium

Boom.

P.S.

Algeria, Slovenia, and, most of all, England: You just let this man personally own you. How does it feel?


You drink that water, Landycakes. You're probably all worn out from WINNING GROUP C.

U S A! U S A!

Forgive me for my conspicuous absence following the MASSIVE US victory. I was just getting the paperwork through to legally change my name to Landon. Now, let's celebrate...

US/Algeria: CRUNCH TIME

45 minutes to decide whether or not we get crushed in the knockout stage. That's a crushing I would take rather well. Do it for the team.

• Wanna know how I feel right now? This.
• The announcers keep on talking about how the US has been getting great ball movement. Indeed they have. But they keep forgetting to move the ball in one particularly important way... into the net. Someone wasn't paying attention at soccer camp.
• Dempsey shows the unparalleled skill to not only miss once, but TWICE on a one-on-one with the keeper. We should be up 3-0. This blog is about to get very unprofessional.
• This game is starting to look suspiciously like Nellie ball.
• Buddleberries in for the US and looks good on his first touch.
• Huuuuuge corner for the us. Landycakes to send it in, and... misses just wide. I'm starting to breathe just a little bit shallower.
• Header DRILLED at the Algerian keeper in the 67th minute. COME ONNNNNN
• 15 minutes left...
• 10 minutes...
• GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL DONOVAN (92'): CLUTCHZILLA 1-0 JOKE-GERIA YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. LANDYCAKES!!!!!!!
• Landon Donovan. That's what I'm naming my firstborn. Last name included.
  
• FULL TIME I'd sit through effing God Bless America right now. THAT is how pumped I am. GROUP C WINNERS
  

US/Algeria: First Half

So I heard that this game might be kind of important. Go figure. Here we go:

• With inspiration from my roommate, I think there's no excuse for the US team not releasing a series of charity beverages called 'Juicy Altidore.' Clintaloupe. Buddleberry. I'd buy it.
• Stars and Stripes starting a back 4 that's never started together. I think Bradley is being paid off by ESPN to engineer situations in which we have no choice to come back.
• Algeria's national anthem sounds like an epic ice cream truck.
  
• Note to Algerian national anthem writers: maybe next time write one that at least some proportion of your population can hit the high note. Prepubescent voice cracking just doesn't seem especially inspiring to me.
• Algeria gets behind the defense in the 6TH MINUTE and drills one off the crossbar. Well, good thing we usually start fast and don't give up goals, or else I'd be worried. Bob Bradley looks like he might need to change windpant.
• Good to know that frosted tips are still popular somewhere. Algeria, welcome to 2001. We've missed you.
  
• GOOOOOOOOOOOOA.... oh wait. US puts one in the back of the net but its called off for offsides. Even Bill Clinton looks solemn. That's bad.
• Replays show it wasn't even offsides. Excellent. Even the unnecessarily proper British announcer agrees. That's grounds for reversal of the call alone. To add a little mustard to this shit sandwich, the Redcoats just scored.
• Dempsey gets one in front of the keeper in the 35th minute and can't put it away.
• ALTIDORE MISSES THE OPEN NET. Juice contract revoked.
• HALF Need to score to advance. I'm no longer feeling quite as humorous.
  

Domenech at center of French 'Juice Box Incident'

Bloemfontein, South Africa- Embattled French coach Raymond Domenech has come under intense fire from both the French players and public after reportedly expecting his team to "practice" in the days preceding their critical final match of the group stage. Intensifying the media firestorm surrounding the incident came reports indicating that when players refused to train Domenech withheld the team juice boxes they regularly receive following their afternoon nap.

The French players, who refused to practice following the dismissal of striker Nicolas Anelka from the team, recently recounted harrowing tales of their training sessions being "really, really tiring," sometimes lasting upwards of 75 minutes.

French captain Patrice Evra voiced the sentiments of the French players regarding the incident in a prepared statement: "This is a disgrace. We are some of the best in the world, how can we be expected to practice without our bff's?" later adding "We wanted those juice boxes real bad, though."

Despite the public scrutiny from his own players, it appears that Domenech may have found support within the French Football Federation. A source within the FFF, who requested to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying "Good for Domenech. Those juice boxes were expensive. We can't give them to just anybody. Besides, we specifically told our players they wouldn't receive them if they didn't play nice. So, there."

France plays its final Group A game today against host nation South Africa.

World Cup Uni History: United States(1994)

To understand the present of international football, one must traverse the winding road of the past which led us here. Clearly, the most important part of this metaphorical road is what the road is wearing. Style is a product of the times, and it appears that some of the times have been quite grim indeed. In international football, we stand on the shoulders of giants. Unfortunately, these giants often looked like patriotic trannies.

The first stop on our World Cup Uni history tour is right in the good ol' US of A, where a nation with no shortage of style in the 1990's fell on some hard times.

United States(1994). No more poignant example exists of how misled a nation once was (even including you, Soviet Union). In true manifest destiny style, the US team of 1994 set out on a journey to mercilessly conquer each and every set of eyes in the world and then swiftly crap on them. You know when Americans find shirts that make them look even more like Americans than Afgahni cartoons of Americans, you've done something profoundly correct. Let's explore:

HOME:
Hosting the World Cup for the first time ever in a controversial decision by FIFA, the US decided to use their kits during the host year as a vehicle to throw out an emphatic 'F you' to all of the international haters. Rocking the 'been sitting outside on a rusty dryer behind a meth lab for 5 years' fade motif on the home jersey, the US distanced itself from the harmful stereotype of being a world economic leader and instead decided to go with a decidedly more homely approach which resulted in looking like a dessicated, yet patriotic, Wal-Mart jean-turd. These colors don't run. There's barely any pigment left, anyways.

AWAY:
When you're selecting a new jersey design which will be presented on the world stage at the biggest and most important event in all of sports, what must you always ask yourself?

If you answered 'Would this design look cool in a funhouse mirror?' or 'Would it make our country look like disciples of Rex Kwon Do?,' you're correct.

Cashing in on the fact that not one person in the world knows that the American flag has both stars AND stripes (I know. Hard to unsee, isn't it?), the designers of this little piece of flair just couldn't stop themselves. In an office bet which also resulted in an intern getting a swirlie, the lead designer was forced to don on a pair of FatalVision goggles while drawing the stripes, leading to a jersey which looks suspiciously like upturned lasagna. Unfortunately, however, the cost of hosting the Cup on home soil finally took its toll as budget cuts dictated that the twizzler motif would not able to grace the sleeves. Tragic, really.