I wish I could write stuff this good

And it's real.

First vuvuzela casualty confirmed.

Nigerian president grumpy. Takes ball and goes back to palace.

Spain/Portugal: Second Half

I can only rip on Cristiano Ronaldo so much until even I get tired of it. Something funny better happen or I'm boycotting Europe.

• A fair amount the Spanish team looks like they forgot to hop aboard the evolution train. Woops.
• Right on cue, Tarzan almost clears a shot into his own goal. Tarzan bad.
• Really, Portugal? The coolest one-named soccer star you can come up with is Danny? I can only hope this leads to a generation of Thurstons and Everetts.
• GOALLLLLLLL DAVID VILLA (62') Rattles a rebound off the crossbar to take the lead. The guy is an absolute animal. It's just not fair to have a soul patch that sexy AND be that good at soccer. Talk about putting all of your eggs in one basket.
• Spanish defender has his jersey ripped open in the front, simultaneously exposing prepubescently hairless chest and providing a nice Saturday Night Fever vibe to the 70's feel Uruguay has already successfully infused in this World Cup.
• 73rd minute. Ronaldo's thong is probably starting to feel a bit tighter right about now.
• Spain has apparently deemed it a swell time to play keepaway. Portugal might wish to reschedule.
• BCRF count: 2. Ronaldo takes a minie ball to the chest. Oh, no... wait. Forgive me, it was just a slight breeze. ONE MORE to make the over. You have 5 minutes, Ronaldo. Come on!
• Another superbly dealt out red card on a Portugese attacker for a no contact elbow. It was at least 18 inches from making contact with anything, yet the Spanish defender goes down like he took a blow dart to the temple. Even Ken Griffey Jr. couldn't have gotten injured on that play.
• FULL TIME Bracket still alive. The head referee, however, may not be in approximately 15 minutes.
  

Spain/Portugal: First Half

Today we have #2 vs #3 in the FIFA world rankings going at it in the round of sixteen. Doesn't get much better than this. Oh wait... it does. My advisor isn't coming in to work today and I'm getting paid as I write this. Count it.

• Today's Over-Under on Blatant Cristiano Ronaldo Flops (or BCRFs, if you will): 2.5. Put your money in now. This number is dangerously low.
• Portugal with a great opportunity when the Spanish keeper decides the most appropriate place to direct the ball is directly up and slightly backwards towards his own net. Brilliant. His super slow mo reaction is truly stupendous though. Who knew this could be so versatile.
  
• BCRF count: 1. Doesn't get the call and stands around whining in protest. If (when) Portugal doesn't win the World Cup, I suggest that Nike re-film their epic commercial and splice in some footage of someone making a swan-diving Ronaldo sculpture out of cow pies. It's for the people.
  
• Spanish keeper celebrates yet another Portugese shot gracefully by tossing the ball directly up in the air again. It's really quite festive.
• BCRF count nearly reaches 2 as Ronaldo almost faceplants in the open field. Stunning.
• HALF Still time to get your money in.
  

Excellent solution

Atta boy, FIFA. Instead of imploring your referees to get the calls right, let's just hammer the stadium replay crew for showing the fans and players what the right call really should have been. At least your insistence to stay firmly anchored in 1950 isn't hurting the game or anything.

Forgive my absence

I was traveling. Tomorrow, back on my game.

P.S. RIP USA

Game-winning goal shows what Americans are all about

Pretoria, South Africa- Landon Donovan's spectacular, game-winning strike in stoppage time to power the United States through to the knockout stage of the 2010 World Cup will surely be remembered by football fans around the globe for years to come. In the homeland, however, fans and players alike believe that the goal stands for so much more. It represents America and her people.

When asked what his miraculous strike meant to him, Donovan replied "I think this goal is what America is all about. When the world thinks about Americans, they think about people that are hard working, have pet bald eagles, and shoot lasers out of their faces. This goal and this victory just go to prove that those things are true."

US coach Bob Bradley shared similar sentiments: "We had a good goal taken away last week and again today. We showed what Americans are about by picking ourselves up and not letting those hardships hold us back. I mean, think about America. There's not a single racial, political, ethnic, sexual, or gender group who can't unconditionally succeed. America is a place where success is based on hard work and character alone and absolutely nothing else whatsoever."

Indeed, hard work and perseverance have characterized the US team's stunning run to the top of Group C and into the elimination rounds. They'll need more of the same knock off a dangerous Ghana team and continue their march toward the ultimate prize in international football.

"Dude! Did you see that?!" added midfielder Clint Dempsey "When that Algerian dude elbowed me in the face, I bled RED. Red, man! That's no coincidence. If he would have taken two more shots at me I would've been bleeding white and blue. Guaranteed." Dempsey then proceeded to rip off his jersey to expose a full-back tattoo of Uncle Sam painting the Mona Lisa with his toes.

The US plays their round of 16 game against Ghana this Saturday.

Goal Celebration of the Millenium

Boom.

P.S.

Algeria, Slovenia, and, most of all, England: You just let this man personally own you. How does it feel?


You drink that water, Landycakes. You're probably all worn out from WINNING GROUP C.

U S A! U S A!

Forgive me for my conspicuous absence following the MASSIVE US victory. I was just getting the paperwork through to legally change my name to Landon. Now, let's celebrate...

US/Algeria: CRUNCH TIME

45 minutes to decide whether or not we get crushed in the knockout stage. That's a crushing I would take rather well. Do it for the team.

• Wanna know how I feel right now? This.
• The announcers keep on talking about how the US has been getting great ball movement. Indeed they have. But they keep forgetting to move the ball in one particularly important way... into the net. Someone wasn't paying attention at soccer camp.
• Dempsey shows the unparalleled skill to not only miss once, but TWICE on a one-on-one with the keeper. We should be up 3-0. This blog is about to get very unprofessional.
• This game is starting to look suspiciously like Nellie ball.
• Buddleberries in for the US and looks good on his first touch.
• Huuuuuge corner for the us. Landycakes to send it in, and... misses just wide. I'm starting to breathe just a little bit shallower.
• Header DRILLED at the Algerian keeper in the 67th minute. COME ONNNNNN
• 15 minutes left...
• 10 minutes...
• GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL DONOVAN (92'): CLUTCHZILLA 1-0 JOKE-GERIA YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. LANDYCAKES!!!!!!!
• Landon Donovan. That's what I'm naming my firstborn. Last name included.
  
• FULL TIME I'd sit through effing God Bless America right now. THAT is how pumped I am. GROUP C WINNERS
  

US/Algeria: First Half

So I heard that this game might be kind of important. Go figure. Here we go:

• With inspiration from my roommate, I think there's no excuse for the US team not releasing a series of charity beverages called 'Juicy Altidore.' Clintaloupe. Buddleberry. I'd buy it.
• Stars and Stripes starting a back 4 that's never started together. I think Bradley is being paid off by ESPN to engineer situations in which we have no choice to come back.
• Algeria's national anthem sounds like an epic ice cream truck.
  
• Note to Algerian national anthem writers: maybe next time write one that at least some proportion of your population can hit the high note. Prepubescent voice cracking just doesn't seem especially inspiring to me.
• Algeria gets behind the defense in the 6TH MINUTE and drills one off the crossbar. Well, good thing we usually start fast and don't give up goals, or else I'd be worried. Bob Bradley looks like he might need to change windpant.
• Good to know that frosted tips are still popular somewhere. Algeria, welcome to 2001. We've missed you.
  
• GOOOOOOOOOOOOA.... oh wait. US puts one in the back of the net but its called off for offsides. Even Bill Clinton looks solemn. That's bad.
• Replays show it wasn't even offsides. Excellent. Even the unnecessarily proper British announcer agrees. That's grounds for reversal of the call alone. To add a little mustard to this shit sandwich, the Redcoats just scored.
• Dempsey gets one in front of the keeper in the 35th minute and can't put it away.
• ALTIDORE MISSES THE OPEN NET. Juice contract revoked.
• HALF Need to score to advance. I'm no longer feeling quite as humorous.
  

Domenech at center of French 'Juice Box Incident'

Bloemfontein, South Africa- Embattled French coach Raymond Domenech has come under intense fire from both the French players and public after reportedly expecting his team to "practice" in the days preceding their critical final match of the group stage. Intensifying the media firestorm surrounding the incident came reports indicating that when players refused to train Domenech withheld the team juice boxes they regularly receive following their afternoon nap.

The French players, who refused to practice following the dismissal of striker Nicolas Anelka from the team, recently recounted harrowing tales of their training sessions being "really, really tiring," sometimes lasting upwards of 75 minutes.

French captain Patrice Evra voiced the sentiments of the French players regarding the incident in a prepared statement: "This is a disgrace. We are some of the best in the world, how can we be expected to practice without our bff's?" later adding "We wanted those juice boxes real bad, though."

Despite the public scrutiny from his own players, it appears that Domenech may have found support within the French Football Federation. A source within the FFF, who requested to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying "Good for Domenech. Those juice boxes were expensive. We can't give them to just anybody. Besides, we specifically told our players they wouldn't receive them if they didn't play nice. So, there."

France plays its final Group A game today against host nation South Africa.

World Cup Uni History: United States(1994)

To understand the present of international football, one must traverse the winding road of the past which led us here. Clearly, the most important part of this metaphorical road is what the road is wearing. Style is a product of the times, and it appears that some of the times have been quite grim indeed. In international football, we stand on the shoulders of giants. Unfortunately, these giants often looked like patriotic trannies.

The first stop on our World Cup Uni history tour is right in the good ol' US of A, where a nation with no shortage of style in the 1990's fell on some hard times.

United States(1994). No more poignant example exists of how misled a nation once was (even including you, Soviet Union). In true manifest destiny style, the US team of 1994 set out on a journey to mercilessly conquer each and every set of eyes in the world and then swiftly crap on them. You know when Americans find shirts that make them look even more like Americans than Afgahni cartoons of Americans, you've done something profoundly correct. Let's explore:

HOME:
Hosting the World Cup for the first time ever in a controversial decision by FIFA, the US decided to use their kits during the host year as a vehicle to throw out an emphatic 'F you' to all of the international haters. Rocking the 'been sitting outside on a rusty dryer behind a meth lab for 5 years' fade motif on the home jersey, the US distanced itself from the harmful stereotype of being a world economic leader and instead decided to go with a decidedly more homely approach which resulted in looking like a dessicated, yet patriotic, Wal-Mart jean-turd. These colors don't run. There's barely any pigment left, anyways.

AWAY:
When you're selecting a new jersey design which will be presented on the world stage at the biggest and most important event in all of sports, what must you always ask yourself?

If you answered 'Would this design look cool in a funhouse mirror?' or 'Would it make our country look like disciples of Rex Kwon Do?,' you're correct.

Cashing in on the fact that not one person in the world knows that the American flag has both stars AND stripes (I know. Hard to unsee, isn't it?), the designers of this little piece of flair just couldn't stop themselves. In an office bet which also resulted in an intern getting a swirlie, the lead designer was forced to don on a pair of FatalVision goggles while drawing the stripes, leading to a jersey which looks suspiciously like upturned lasagna. Unfortunately, however, the cost of hosting the Cup on home soil finally took its toll as budget cuts dictated that the twizzler motif would not able to grace the sleeves. Tragic, really.

Something tells me

...that Dear Leader Kim Jong Il might not be showing Portugal's 7-0 thrashing of DPRK in North Korean primetime. Come on, Kimmy, prove me wrong.

In all fairness, however, I think there's reasonable cause to censor out Cristiano Ronaldo goals from any telecast.

Introducing: The Headstrap

In the waning moments of a decisive Brazil victory over Ivory Coast, the losing team, in their graciousness, decided to expose to the world the closest thing to the Holy Grail I have ever encountered.

The Headstrap.

Cashing in on the recent popularity of a facial hair styling known as the chinstrap, which has permeated even the animal kingdom, Ivory Coast national Romaric took it upon himself to take it to another level. And take it to another level he did, extending the strap full circle around his stately cranium. Take it in. You'll tell your children about this day.

NEW ZEALAND likes to rock the party

Awesome game. Great result. That was the second best thing I've ever seen from New Zealand, just behind...

World Cup Uni Awards: Part II

As a man who is clearly an expert in the realm of fashion, nothing gets me quite as worked up as a good World Cup kit. In Part I, we explored the highlights, lowlights, and regularlights of the only thing between us and watching 22 naked men running around after a ball (if that seems to be an appealing prospect to you, I urge you to consider this before finalizing your judgment) for the top half of the draw. With 16 more unis making their appearance on the pitch since we last spoke, the time is ripe to discuss the only thing I could choose which has no bearing whatsoever on the outcome of the tournament.

It's time for the World Cup Uni Awards: Part II. And remember, not everyone can be a winner.

WORST KIT: Paraguay. It's truly been a rough go for the 'Guays. Innocuous enough from the front, the picture doesn't even begin to do justice to the horror which is this kit. Among the highlights, of which there are many (I'm beginning to believe 'guay' translates roughly to 'land of the collar'), the discontinuous double white stripe on the back of the jersey reigns supreme, lending the impression that the players fell victim to a rogue highway line painting truck who only put on the brakes after hearing a hearty thump. When expertly paired with some royal blue shorts and red and white horizontal striped socks, the kit takes on an overall appearance of a partially digested American flag. For those of you who prefer some concrete imagery, the ensemble bears a striking resemblance to this. For those with a flair for the abstract, this. You've got 4 years to make amends, 'Guays. The clock is ticking.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE ON THE WINNING TEAM OF THE ANNUAL HUMAN VS DEER HIDE AND SEEK MATCH: TIE. Ivory Coast & Netherlands. Who would've thought that the color of the future has been hanging out in treestands in backwoods Wisconsin this whole time? With animal-related World Cup danger at an all-time high, Ivory Coast and Netherlands have taken the forward-thinking initiative to protect their large-brained asses from god's lesser creatures. Suck on that, Darwin.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING: Italy. Nice abs, dude... Oh. You guys are world class professional soccer players and defending World Cup champions, yet you think your washboards need a little screenprinted enhancement? Sounds like someone has confidence issues. On an unrelated note, the design has the (presumably) unintended effect of looking like Darth Vader blowing chunks. Anyways, at least we can definitively rule out having too much weight up front as a reason for your incessant flopping. Basta.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Cameroon. You've managed to look like a Christmas pimple. Festive.

Netherlands(Away). The ol' red white and blue just gets me every time. Except for those deviants in Paraguay. I picked the Dutch to win the tournament, and they're gonna look darn good doing it.

Ivory Coast. Scooping up their second award of the show, this one has nothing to do with fashion. With how obscenely tight these jerseys were, the need for invasive medical diagnostic techniques for the torso has been rendered obsolete. Honorary doctorates all around. On a more disturbing note, I believe I could, with considerable accuracy, identify what each player on the squad had for lunch. Like so.

Goal Celebration of the Day: Day 8

No better way to celebrate an equalizer than crushing each and every one of Michael Bradley's ribs into a fine, fine powder.



Note: Contrary to what the screengrab above might suggest, Michael Bradley is, in fact, not Voldemort.

Because I'm bitter

But at least I still have this:

Courtesy si.com

US/Slovenia: 2nd Half

If we can't win, we can certainly insult. That's my motto. I'll edit this if we manage to get a draw, though, to seem classier. Promise. (Edit: No I won't)

• Big thumbs up to the Slovenia jersey designers. Your nation's colors are red, white, and blue, and your jerseys are green, yellow, and white. Don't worry, no one noticed.
• More near-goals by the US. Stop playing just a tip with my emotions.
• GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DONOVAN!!!!!!!!!!!! (47'): BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD 1-2 POOR JERSEY DESIGNERS Donovan gets behind and absolutely slams one from an 89 degree angle into the top net. Like, literally, the entire top net. It was going to go through the keeper's face if it needed to. U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A!
• Near equalizer by Dempsey in the 50th. GET SOME.
• Announcers just described the keeper as being 'afraid of the ball' on Donovan's goal. Word. That's Amurrican firepower.
• Just received a call from my loving girlfriend and turned it away with the reason of it 'being an important part of my life right now.' Sorry, Gie.
• Tim Howard punts it to approximately Nigeria. Excellent.
• US awarded a free kick just outside the box. Put in by Donovan and blasted at the keeper by Altidore. So close.
• Local emergency alert test on the TV. I'm going to kill someone.
• HERCULEZ has entered the game in the place of Gooch. Things are about to get hyperreal. Samsung style.
• GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL BRADLEY (82'): UNITED STATES OF AWESOME 2-2 FC JUNKTOWN YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
• Massive set piece for the US... AND GOAL CALLED OFF ON A FAKE FOUL. Looks like I know who to kill.
• Winner disallowed. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
• FULL TIME Excellent job, head ref. Enjoy unemployment.
• P.S. Alexi Lalas, I need you right now. Say something extreme. "That ref is a disgrace." Well, that didn't take long. Thank you.
  

And now

For something to make me hate my life a little less right now...

US/Slovenia: First Half

Another US game, another chance to drink before noon. Let's dive right in:

• When I said 'another chance to drink before noon,' I really meant 'another chance to drink before 7am.' Just sayin.
• Alexi Lalas haircut alert. Good. Less to distract me from the hate he's spewing.
• Jose Torres getting the start in the midfield for Old Glory. Now, let me ask you...separated at birth?
• HERRRRRRRRRRRRES VUVUZELA!
• US fans spotted so far: dude in a spacesuit, dude holding massive cardboard cut-out of Abraham Lincoln. God, no wonder no one likes us. We're obnoxious. And it's sweet.
• Injured Slovenian in the first 15 seconds courtesy of a Dempsey NBA Jam 'bow. If you can't beat 'em... literally beat them.
• Tim Howard looking good early in that no ribs have punctured his jersey yet.
• US defense looking about as solid as a wet paper bag/the prospects of Katie Perry's lasting appeal.
• GOAL (13'): CHARLIE BROWN 1-0 UNITED STATES OF HUH? Strong strike from Linus from the top of the circle. Michael Howard-Phelps looked oh-so-spritely in not moving, even just a little bit, towards the ball. Bonus asshole points to Slovenia celebrating the goal with the Napoleon Dynamite Happy Hands Dance.
• Onyewu looking to popularize one-legged defending. Slovenia, at least, is feelin' it.
• Torres rips a free to towards the near post in the 36th minute which gets turned away at the last second. It's alive!!!
• Findley misses the next game because of a yellow taken on an apparently illegal face-ball. A wonderful piece of officiating.
• GOAL(41'): ASSCLOWNS 2-0 BIGGER ASSCLOWNS Yup.
• HALF Check my pulse in 20 minutes.
  

Day 7 Thoughts

An excellent day of World Cup action has my writing, among other, juices flowing:

• Mexican Coach Javier Aguirre: the Latino Gary Busey.
• With 10 goals in three games today, it's nice to see that FIFA finally decided to replace the well disguised, oversized whiffle ball they'd been trotting out with the actual Jabulani.
• All it took was one Academy Award-winning acting job and a Nigerian red card for Greece to finally score in the World Cup. In addition to the potential blowing-up of my bracket, not a single euro was burned in the aftermath. Come on, Whoever-scored-opolis, I expected better.
• Maradona. Seriously, you gotta stop hugging the closest/most unfortunate person in sight every time your team scores. It's killing your flow with the ladies. You've got the best offensive players in the world. You're supposed to beat South Korea, dude.
• Speaking of Maradona, how can his gastric bypass not be called the (lap)Band of God? Not to be confused with the Band of God. It's just too easy. Too beautiful.
  

Goal Celebration of the Day: Day 7

Very few things would have inspired me to bring back this feature, but praise the lord, one of them did.

Tip of the cap to Cuauhtémoc Blanco, who officially became the oldest person to ever accomplish anything of note on a sporting field. After losing what us mortals would deem to be a crippling 7 pounds of water weight through a mere 12 minutes of action, Blanco blasted a PK just past the outstretched arms of the French keeper to give Mexico a commanding 2-0 lead, setting off a shockwave of butt scratches and disinterested, decidedly nasal sighs throughout the nation of France.

The celebration which ensued could only be described as a sweaty struggle against opening stages of food poisoning. Mercifully, the camera panned away just before Blanco collapsed in an asthmatic heap beneath the weight of his own greatness.

Cuauhtémoc Blanco, forgive me for my sins. I shall never doubt you again.

The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part III

And here we are to close out this three part special on the truly devastating power of the own goal (parts I and II found here and here). These three levels of self-inflicted pain, scrawled anxiously as a postscript in the Dead Sea scrolls (youtube links included), carry the weighty moniker of The Circles of Own Goal Hell. To avoid you becoming tired of my unabashedly intelligent and devilishly clever setups, let's just get right to it.

Circle III: Insult to Injury
Sometimes, embarassment, false hope, and ridicule just aren't enough. In this fast paced, 'what have you done for me lately?' world we're livin' in, why not get ahead of the game and punish yourself BEFORE you flush your country's hopes down the toilet? That's exactly what the Insult to Injury is all about. Enjoy the view, we've just summited Shit Mountain.

Nose Goes: With an example like this, you don't need an encore. Also known as the Sinus Deflection, this is what you think of when you hear 'NasalCrom.' Although the result was nothing short of horrific, I must commend this defender for bringing into the public eye the need for facial protection during soccer activities. Imagine the kind of pity cash you could bring in by airing a telethon featuring a selection of properly somber, noseless, deposed football stars. On the bright side, the hate of a nation probably isn't your first concern when you're fishing nose hairs out of your occipital lobe.


The Cansec-OH! (video here): Although baseball has been suspiciously absent from this list, it closes out the show with style. Called 'the assist of the ages' by no less than one California-based amateur sportswriter with absolutely no formal training, it can only be considered fitting punishment for expanding ones head to roughly the size of a fetal elephant through repeated steroid use. Despite this harrowing ordeal, Jose turned out just fine.

With that gem, our journey through the Circles of Own Goal Hell has come to a close. We've learned that an own goal can, in this order, break your spirits, create false hope, break your spirits again, and then break your face. Daniel Agger, it could have been so much worse.

And now...

For your Cristiano Ronaldo Flop of the Day.



Too bad the delayed injury never caught on like the delayed penalty.

The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part II

Spurred by the sad tale of Daniel Agger's World Cup 2010 opposite day prank, we recently sat down and had an intimate discussion regarding the intricacies of the sporting equivalent of flatulence in a space suit (that is, of course, if the space suit encompasses your entire nation): the own goal. In particular, we learned that unlike men, McDonalds chicken nuggets, and Hilary Duff made-for-tv movies, all own goals are not created equal.

In fact, each of these burning beacons of ineptitude falls into one of three broad categories, which roughly trace the path from mere haplessness to full-blown doucheitude. These are the Circles of Own Goal Hell.

The first of these ancient Circles, 'The Sheed (detailed here), is the everyman's own goal. Oft the result of poor execution and poorer luck, own goals in this category leave you feeling somewhat like this. Or potentially like this. Either way, you're probably going to want to forget about that one. Huge. Quickly.

But what if sabotaging your country alone doesn't fill your masochistic needs? Pull up a chair, little one. It's time for Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part II.

Circle II: WOO!!... Awww
What's worse than scoring a goal on yourself?

Scoring a on goal on yourself when you THINK you're scoring a goal on the other team (however, we also would have accepted a Dane Cook comedy special, dysentery, and Tyra Banks). The WOO!!... Awww is unique in just how thoroughly and swiftly it carries man from ecstasy to agony. One minute, you're scoring a goal, leading your nation to a crushing and decisive victory. The next minute... well, you're still scoring a goal, but it's the kind that leads to the manufacturing of urinal cakes bearing your likeness and causes your children to be called doodie heads at school.

In all honesty, the WOO!!...Awww is such a rare event (approximately .00001% of goals scored. Or, more conceptually, the percentage of old, leathery women who actually look good in their Juicy Couture sweatsuits), it nearly missed out on the honorable distinction as the second Circle of Own Goal Hell. In fact, I was only able to extract one such instance of its purest existence from the bowels of the interwebs. Maybe it's too grizzly, even for the most hardened of e-souls.

Distance yourself from sharp objects and grab an 'airplane illness' bag: it's time witness the WOO!!...Awww.

Japwnd: Recognizing his nation's position as a true powerhouse in international hockey, one Japanese defenseman took it upon himself to realize his culture's collectivist ideals with a gusto rarely seen in the athletic sphere and tap one in for the greater good... Oh, wait... Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure he just completely blew it. A mood swing that swift and traumatizing is the kind of thing that leads a man to get a tramp stamp of a poodle and turn up 15 years later on Bon Jovi: Behind the Music as the dude who 'just couldn't get out.' Note to self: 'Hey! That jersey looks familiar!' isn't the best thought to have right before pounding a loose puck into the open net.


Glitch in The Matrix: While not as pure and true as our example from the land of the rising sun, Shawn Marion brought us as close to the 2nd circle as we'll ever see in the land of opportunity. Marion's brush with immortality is even more impressive considering he nearly boomshakalaka'd his career off a jump ball in which he was already facing the correct basket. Based off of how utterly unconvinced Shawn seems at the end of the video that he tried to pull a switcheroo, $20 says that he went and made sure his toilet was flushing the right direction as soon as he got home.


And there you have it. Two down, one to go. The carnage keeps on comin' tomorrow when we probe the deepest, darkest crevices of an athlete's soul in The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part III.

Group of Death

The group of death, this year consisting of Portugal, Brazil, Ivory Coast, and North Korea, kicks off play today. A few thoughts:

• North Korea, in the World Cup for the first time since 1966, were ever so mercifully placed in the group of death (or is it the Democratic People's Group of Death?) including two of the top 3 teams in the FIFA rankings and a dangerous Ivory Coast squad. Keepin' the North Korean way alive, Kim Jong Il has announced that FC DPR's matches won't be televised unless they win. Well, for the sake of the North Korean people, they better hope that their country is as good at soccer as their dear leader is at golf.
• I jumped the gun in saying that Tim Howard looked like a creamsicle. Sorry, Ivory Coast, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
• Cristiano Ronaldo has been his vintage self so far today. That is, he almost got in a fight with someone who would stomp his goofy ass if there weren't multiple millions of witnesses across the world. I don't get it. I mean, what's not to like?
  
• Lalas Alert! Alexi Lalas, in being unnecessarily aggressive about everything, has finally hit the nail on the head about SOMETHING: 'Cristiano Ronaldo is a total baby.' Yup.
• A wild Drogba appears: Drogba, sporting his version of the Pat Riley hairdo, makes his 2010 World Cup debut. Fortunately for the audience at home, he's wearing a long sleeved jersey so you can't see his ulna peeking through the skin of his arm. Good call.
• This almost deserves a post all unto itself. Brilliant. http://twitter.com/thevuvuzelahorn
  

The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part I

Daniel Agger, congratulations. You opened the scoring for the Danish team in dazzling style. Your no-look, no-awareness, off the back deflection which snuck just inside far post will go down as one of the greatest goals in World Cup history. And to strike so quickly, so efficiently, just 50 seconds into the second half to break a scoreless tie. Brilliant. You sliced the D with such ease you'd think that you'd shot on your own goal!

...

Well shit.

Uhhh... well... don't worry about it, bro. Probably just some vuvuzela-induced vertigo. I mean, check this out: I punched in a location on my Garmin the other day and totally started driving to my friend's house instead of mine. It's pretty much the same thing! What's that? I didn't crush the dreams of an entire nation? Yeah, good point. It took me forever to get home though.

It took 4 days, but we got one. In a sport laden with bitch slaps (Please, tell me what you think would happen if, every time a foul got called on Kevin Garnett, the ref blew his whistle 2 inches from his face. Oh yeah, this.), the own goal is the bitchiest of the slaps.

Unlike other sports in which you may, with due determination, score upon yourself, you actually get credit for scoring an own goal in soccer. Someone on the offensive team touch it before you? Who cares! You put it in. Own it, girl. In fact, we'll even make sure we put a little ball next to your name in the box score just so that it's conceptually accessible to even the most ignorant of audiences that you decided to play chicken with your own keeper.

However, you may rest well, young Daniel Agger. Your own goal, unsightly as it was, represents only the tip of the egregiousness iceberg. A la our discussion of what to avoid while celebrating a goal, a balanced look at athletic Benedict Arnolds from multiple sports will show you, if nothing else, you could have at least neutered the country of Denmark with a little more flair.

Over the next three days, I shall be your guide in exploring, from least to most brutal (/delightful), three discrete levels of own goal severity. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part I.

Circle I: The 'Sheed
'I got it! I got it!... Well, technically, I did get it.' The 'Sheed is the least unsightly and most popular way to shoot oneself in the proverbial sporting foot. Usually resulting from a simple lapse in concentration/misreading of the tide charts/handle of Jack Daniels, The 'Sheed is characterized by a blissful ignorance that one's giblets are meandering ever closer to the bandsaw. After the deed is done, however, shame is the name of the game. Allow us to explore some examples:

Sheed's Shame: The founder of this feast, Rasheed Wallace's own goal (own hoop? self-bucket?) is remarkable for its sheer lack of outside forces. I don't believe there was an opposing player within the same zip code. The face after the play says it all. Don't worry, Sheed. We know you're sorry, buddy. On the bright side, that's the most offense you showed the entire regular season. Kudos.


Man Disadvantage: Delayed penalty. You're about to put an extra man on attack. Who shouldn't you put in? Probably the dude who's been playing dizzy bat between shifts. Damn it.


The 'Unbridled Disaster': Just to swing around full circle, one more own goal from the beautiful game. Although the goal itself was not of particularly notable style, the commentator reactions are top notch. Listening to the audio track alone, you'd think that Nicolita ran over his grandmother with his car. And backed up. Twice. Something tells me these guys wouldn't make great physicians and/or motivational speakers.


One final note: To the guy on Real Madrid who runs into the goal with his hands raised in jubilation: What the hell are you so excited for? It's not like you get a little ball next to your name on the score sheet.

Wow

Congratulations to Japan for their first World Cup victory not on home soil.

Cameroon? More like Camerp00ned.

World Cup Uni Awards: Part I

Three days have passed. Eight games have been played. But, most important of all, 16 national team uniforms (referred to henceforth, in good form, as 'kits') have graced our oh so receptive and willing eyes. Some say the World Cup is a celebration of the 'beautiful game.' Well, the game isn't so beautiful if you're slashing defenses in geometric vomit, now is it?

This football patron realizes that looking good is half the battle. As such, I give you the World Cup Uni Awards: Part I.

BEST KIT: United States. Hands down. I've spent the entire day trying to assure myself that I'd still feel this way even without a conflict of interest. It worked admirably. This kit owns. As a tribute to the England-squashing 1950 World Cup squad (that is, before the more contemporary trend of England squashing itself), this kit proves, yet again, that throwback stuff is awesome. I mean, how else can you explain this.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE SPOTTED IN THE BACKGROUND OF A LOW-BUDGET 70's PORN: Uruguay. Given, there wasn't a ton of competition in this category, but this is the most clear-cut winner of them all. The pointed collar, stunning baby blue hue, psychedelic starbursts, and general impression that it would instantaneously melt into your skin if you were to come within 15 feet of an open flame all combine to form the most powerfully seductive jersey in recent World Cup memory. Marky Mark would have been proud to wear this in Boogie Nights.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE WORN BY AN ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIENTIOUS CARTOON CHARACTER: Slovenia. Charlie Brown, come on down. That is, of course, unless you're late for your Greenpeace meeting. Slovenia, seize the moment. The time is ripe to bust out the first 'Lucy' on a free kick in World Cup history. The fans might even take the vuvuzelas away from their irreversibly numbed lips to cheer for that. Do it. You're not gonna win anyways.

KIT WHICH WOULD NEGATE THE NEED FOR A PHONE BOOTH IF YOU WANTED TO PERFORM POST-MATCH ACTS OF SUPER HEROISM: Mexico. Dark. Brooding. Dangerously tight. That's how I want my super heroes to dress. While I'm not yet 100% certain whether the kit itself or the fact that it was worn like saran wrap led to this prestigious award, I think we can all agree that the Mexican squad looked mighty... mighty... out there. Unfortunately, Blanco's late entrance as the noir version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man dulled the impact of the kit just a bit. However, the more, shall we say, 'conditioned,' of the Mexican squad would blend right in busting baddies in lower Gotham City. Despite my love for this kit, I have no choice but to dock the designers points for failing to pay attention to detail. Maybe next time.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
South Africa. You're the host, yet you choose to wear a jersey that appears to have been manufactured in 1993. I love it. Way to put recycling on the world stage.

England. No, not the kit. The three-piece suit worn by Capello and Beckham. Becks: Your foot is clinging to your leg by a thread and you're missing what in all likelihood would have been your last appearance in a World Cup, but my god, do you look stately.

And finally...

Diego Maradona. Maradona in a suit is like love between a goat and a chicken. It just doesn't work.

Tank's Day 3 Summary

Game of the Day: With three relatively poor games today, Serbia/Ghana basically stumbled upon the award. Serbia, labeled by many as a darkhorse for a deep run, failed to come out and impress today. Without EPL stud Essien, I expected Ghana to not be nearly as dangerous. However, it appeared that Ghana's youthful ignorance of the magnitude of the stage worked to their advantage. They played toe to toe with the Serbs for 80 plus minutes. While it was a completely unnecessary handball in the 82nd minute that dug the Serbs' grave, it was Asamoah Gyan that buried the casket. Not only was this the first penalty of the tournament, but it gave Ghana an historical first ever win for an African squad on their home turf. "Every African is behind us," Gyan said. "I salute all you guys. We win this match for you." The Serbs had several very dangerous chances late in the game despite the fact that they were playing with ten men. After Australia's abysmal performance, Ghana are now in great position to qualify for the knockout round.

Player of the Day: With no true individual standout today, I'm going to give this award to all four of the German goal scorers. Germany was truly dominant over an Australian team that had been lauded for their defense by German coaches coming into this match. Germany threatened early and often, and today it definitely showed on the scoreboard. Australian star Tim Cahill picked up a questionable red card in the second half that may have ended any hope Australia had for getting out of the group. Marian Klose deserves to be singled out for scoring his 11th career World Cup goal, which moves him into a three way tie for 5th all-time with Sandor Kocsis and fellow countryman Jurgen Klinsmann.

Play of the Day: Tip of the cap to Lukas Podolski for his cracking strike that just slipped past Aussie goalie Mark Schwarzer. After a dangerous cross found it's way through the Australian penalty area, Podolski found himself all alone just inside the eighteen. Without hesitation, he ripped a first touch scorcher that found its way into the back of the net despite Schwarzer getting a hand on it. Hats off to this player who continues to show that being out of form for one's club doesn't necessarily translate to a poor showing on the international stage.

Almost Play of the Day: Australia walking out onto the field. They almost made you believe they were a soccer team.

Impact on Group C and D: Slovenia managed to vault themselves to the top of the Group C standings, mostly thanks to an Algerian red card and a goalkeeping blunder by Faouzi Chaouchi (ironically enough, the only reason he was playing was due to his suspension being lifted for head butting a referee during qualifying... karma anyone?). Slovenia's win now makes their upcoming meeting with the Americans nearly a must win for the U.S. A loss for the U.S.A. more than likely eliminates them from the tournament and a tie could lead to some nasty tiebreaking scenarios. In Group D, Germany is clearly the cream of the crop. Their 4-0 thrashing of Australia sets the tone for the group stage that will more than likely end in 9 points for the Germans. Australia now likely needs two wins to advance, as it will be tough to win any tiebreakers with their current -4 goal differential. Ghana also took a big step towards advancing today with a 1-0 win over Serbia. Serbia now finds themselves in a situation where they must get at least a point from Germany, assuming Ghana doesn't drop both of their remaining matches in the group stage. With how poorly the Socceroos showed today, I'd be surprised to see Ghana end the stage with any less than 4 points.

Behold

... the worst thing to happen to sports. EVER (yes, that's including Cristiano Ronaldo, the DH, and close-ups of Joakim Noah in HD). The vuvuzela.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that I generally like to avoid things that sound like a rabid bee orgy. At least some people agree with me.

Goal Celebration of the Day: Day 2

It seems as though I was spoiled by our Day 1 winner, because the goal celebrations today could have been performed by a sloth on barbiturates. Beyond boring. The closest thing to excitement was a little Don Quixote-esque windmilling by South Korea. Seriously? You follow up a group Macarena with a half-ass windmill? You don't even have the best goal celebrations in the World Cup for a team with the first name of 'South.' Ok, fine. At least you destroyed Greece.

(Food for thought: Speaking of Greece, say Greece does in fact score in this World Cup. Given their fine fiscal maneuvers in recent years, I'll go ahead and hypothesize that their celebration will involve burning a large pile of currency. Productive? No. Entertaining? Oh yes.)

Now this rash of cumbersome goal celebrations got me thinking: Is there a reason for these post-goal tea parties masquerading as jubilation?

Yes. There is. And that reason is safety (just ask poor, poor Kendry Morales). What is that I hear you collectively saying? There's no way celebrating a goal could put a player in harms way? Well, my ignorant pupils, how wrong you are.

With that in mind, today's edition of GCoftheD will explore what NOT to do when celebrating a goal to elucidate the risk/reward structure of a hearty celebration. As I am a renaissance man, I shall aggregate lessons learned from failed celebrations across the sporting landscape in an attempt to save our favorite footballers from themselves.

• The Pierce-Coined just this week, Paul Pierce discovered exactly what you shouldn't do following a momentum shifting-play: punch the ref in the face. The zebras carry substantial weight in determining whether or not you live to play another day. Even if you offer to pay their dental, I'd still probably advise against this.
  

• So let's say you do manage not to sock the referee in the grill in a fit of joy. What else should be on the lookout for? I would heavily advise you avoid The Kerwin Bell, known colloquially as The Comebacker. You might be happy. Doesn't mean your equipment gives a shit.

• You've now reached the point where you've safely distanced yourself from any rogue bats, balls, cleats, rosin bags, javelins, or cracker jacks. You're in the clear. It's you, the spotlight, and the roar of the crowd. What could go wrong? The Gramatica. Unfortunately, no video exists of this wondrous event, in which a game winning field goal was commemorated by a celebratory tear of the ACL. For the good of the masses, however, Kendry Morales somehow managed to improve on this modern day masterpiece by sacrificing his own leg to the grand slam gods. Sure, you may be a professional athlete, but gravity still has you on lockdown.
  

• Admittedly, this is a lot to keep in mind, but safety is no laughing matter. That said, there is one more thing to keep in mind in the midst of your post-goal euphoria: your genitals. Evolution has blessed you with these bad boys to keep your goal-scoring genes propagating through the ages. Don't let them end up in your teammate's mouth. Beware of The Chomp.

And we've finally reached the end of this cautionary tale. Celebrating a goal may seem to be an innocuous outpouring of joy. It's not. There are more deaths from goal celebrations every year than from being speared by a Q-tip. Consider yourself warned.

While today's goal celebrations were most certainly lackluster, they all deserve a gold star for avoiding disaster, as all limbs and appendages remained intact and all referees escaped unabused.

The World Cup is a long tournament, fraught with opportunities to meet your own demise. Therefore, if you must bite your teammate's penis, do it in the finals.

Tank's Day 2 Summary

Game of the Day: As an American, there's no way I can pick something other than USA/England here. If you were a neutral observer, you could make an argument for Nigeria/Argentina (but you'd still be wrong). As one of the most hyped group stage matches, USA/England definitely delivered. While England most certainly outplayed the Yanks, it wasn't the domination I think the "football" rabid country was expecting. England managed to get on the board first as an excellent touch by Emile Helskey found a gaping hole in the U.S. defense. From there, it was easy pickings for Steven Gerrard as he managed to guide it past Tim Howard from a few yards inside the eighteen. However, that would be the last point anybody in the entire country of England would come remotely close to cracking a smile. I'm sure there were plenty of "blimeys" and "crikeys" being shared in pubs across the country (or is that Australia?) as England time and time again was turned away from the American's box. Most of that can be credited to Tim Howard as he made several world class saves, but Onyweu and Cherundolo both turned in what I considered very quality performances. Late in the first half, the U.S. equalized off a "school boy" mistake by England keeper Robert Green as Martin Tyler so eloquently put it. American Clint Dempsey launched what appeared to be a harmless shot on goal from just outside the eighteen, but as Green tried to reel in the ball, it simply took a skid off his chest and squeaked past his outstretched arms. If England misses out on advancing out of the group because of this draw, Green will become just another scapegoat in England's long history of failing to meet expectations. The second half was pretty uneventful as England controlled the flow of the game. Despite a series of good chances, they were continually turned away by both Howard and the U.S. defenders. A wondrous run by Jozy Altidore about midway through the 2nd half nearly put the Americans ahead as he tried to sneak one inside the near post. Green got just enough on the ball such that it deflected off of the woodwork out of the danger zone. As the final whistle blew, it was obvious who "won" this match. English players seemed a bit concerned as they clearly expected to take 3 points today. On the other end of the spectrum, the U.S. squad lingered on the field, soaking in the atmosphere and acknowledging the thousands of American supporters on hand.

Player of the Day: Tim Howard/Park Ji-Sung (tie). I have to give some credit to a South Korean squad that easily gave the most dominating performance of the tournament thus far. The Manchester United man gave South Korea a 2 goal lead early in the second half to all but put away a Greek squad that was lucky to not give up another goal or two. The South Koreans dominated player with almost a hybrid European/South American style where they mixed both inventive play with a precise and efficient possession strategy. On the other hand, Tim Howard is the main reason (other than Robert Green) that the U.S. came away with a point today. Howard ended the day with 5 big stops, highlighted by a 1 on 1 save against Emile Heskey early in the 2nd half.

Play of the Day: The above mentioned save by Howard on Heskey really set the tone for the second half. I think it was clear that the U.S. would be happy to go to bed tonight with a point in their pocket, and the bend don't break mentality clearly frustrated the English players.

Almost Play of the Day: Don't mean to continue to harp on this England/USA game, but Altidore's 2nd half chance off the frame could have sent England into a new Dark Age. Despite being definitively out-chanced by England in the second half, there's no argument that the Americans had the best chance of the half. Oh, what could have been.

Impact on Group B and C: While Argentina wasn't exactly convincing in their 1-0 win over Nigeria today, they must be satisfied with the result. Struggling through much of qualifying, there are a plethora of questions surrounding Maradona's uber talented squad. Despite barely staving off an onslaught of Nigerian chances late in the game, Messi and company managed to hold on for a big 3 points. In the other Group B match, South Korea dominated a hapless Greece team. For a squad typically known for its ability to bunker down and frustrate opponents, Greece was taken behind the woodshed today. South Korea could have easily ended up with 4 or 5 goals by the end of the day. With that being said, the Koreans sit atop Group B after the first round of games, putting themselves in nice position to advance. With the other half of Group C meeting tomorrow morning, all eyes were on the USA/England game. The U.S. is definitely more satisfied with the point garnered today. While a loss wouldn't have ended the American's chances of getting out of the group, it would have severely hindered them as only 8% of teams that open the World Cup with a loss manage to get out of the group stage. However, if the U.S.A. rests on their laurels, they could find themselves in a deep hole as a match-up with a quality Slovenia side is merely days away. England are still the favorites to get out of the group, despite the disappointing result. While most expected a win, maybe those limeys will take something positive out of this as the 1966 team that took home the Cup also opened their tournament with a draw.

Revolutionary War v2.0: Second Half

After scouring the internet for outrageously patriotic pictures during halftime, we're back for the home half of this trans-atlantic kickfest:

• With the exception of the respirator, if Bob Bradley were put in in place of Michael Bradley, no one would be able to tell the difference.
• Ridiculous save by Howard in the 52nd minute. Fairly sure that just violated the law of conservation of energy. There's no way you should be able to take that shot in the stomach and not puke.
• England mounding up the cards. Dangerous free kick given to the US in the 61st minute... and off target. Don't we know that all you need to do is get the ball vaguely on net to score?
• Onyewu's beard has me wondering: Is he the first Amish player to compete in the World Cup? Don't tell me you don't see the similarity.
• Altidore has a sick strike deflected by the keeper off the post in the 65th minute. I wonder if the English consider it comforting that a stationary object is a better keeper than their... keeper.
• US looking strong this half. Like, this strong.
• The world's fastest butterfly swimmer/goal stopping hybrid, Tim Howard-Phelps, is absolutely doing work. He's probably moving a lot faster since those aerodynamic holes were punched into his chest by English cleats in the first half.
• Ahhh, Peter Crouch. The man is an internet goldmine. Seriously, do yourself a favor and click that link.
• US corner in 90th minute. Landycakes to deliver... and nothing. Solid cross though.
• FULL TIME Great showing from a potentially perforated Tim Howard and solid result for the US.
  

US/England first half musings

And 188 days later, it's finally here. Things are about to get extremely real. Time for some stream of consciousness:

• How in the hell has this not been dubbed the Revolutionary War v2.0? You're welcome.
• At least 3/4 of the US players looked like they were going to weep like wee schoolboys during the national anthem. Sorry US national team, you've missed the train. Crying for your country is old news.
  
• If you don't like the blue US jerseys, you're unamurrican. Seriously.
• GOAL: REDCOATS 1-0 FREEDOM LOVERS Gerrard gets loose behind the D for an easy tally in the 4th minute. We look almost as apathetic as Alexi Lalas characterized the entire country of France to be. I've only had one Coors so far, so we'll leave the cussing for later.
• Michael Phelps... I'm sorry, Tim Howard, already looks about as agitated as a cat in a bathtub. He also looks like a creamsicle.
• Blown chance in the box for the US in the 14th minute. That may or may not be what she said. Regardless, I'll take it.
• And the Most Animated Human Alive Award goes to England coach Fabio Capello. He, even more than Maradona, looks like he's never watched a soccer game before. I sure hope he used the restroom before the game. A nice bonus: he looks great in a Speedo.
• Tim Howard injured coming off his line to clear a dangerous ball. Not good. If he goes off, the 4 beers I have left won't be nearly enough. Nothin like some full speed metal cleats to the chest. (Edit: T-Phelps stays in. Added bonus: blood is hard to see on an orange jersey.)
• I've held my tongue long enough. Why is ABC/ESPN/Disney/the world convinced that soccer fans want to see the reaction of every single individual to every single event in triple super duper slow mo? I don't remember requesting this.
• About 10 minutes left in the half, great shot by Donovan misses just wide. US looking much better now, but still clearly the lesser side.
• GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DEMPSEY (40'): AMURRICA 1-1 TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION Solid strike by Dempsey from the top of the 18 leads to one of the most pathetic goaltending moments in football history. The slow-mo reactions to this one are priceless. Beckham, in particular, looks like he just bit into a turd sandwich. Solid shot, but that goal was softer than Al Roker pre-gastric bypass.
• HALF Great response by the Bald Eagles. Expect the conspiracy charges against the English keeper to be levied well before halftime is over.
  

What Maradona lacks

... in managerial skills, he sure makes up for with gratuitous slow-motion reaction shots. You sure know what I want, ESPN.

Steve's bracket

Read it and weep (potentially for me).

Early Morning Summary

Greece sucks.

Goal Celebration of the Day: Day 1

Now, as my colleague Yank the Tank so astutely noted, there were very few goals today. Games, too, now that you mention it. But nothing can stop me from giving out a damn award.

Out of the whopping 2 goals scored in 180+ minutes of play (That's right, world! You show America all the fast-paced action it's been missing out on by blatantly ignoring soccer!), there was a clear winner in the celebration category. Congratulations, South Africa. You're the winner of SOMETHING in the 2010 World Cup! Enjoy it. It's downhill from here.



The celebration following the opening goal of the tournament, a downright nasty strike into the top corner (from a guy who's name has more lalala's than the opening scene of The Christmas Carol), was nothing short of exemplary for a variety of reasons:

• It had a throwback vibe. Discussion Point: Was I the only one who was 100% convinced that the entire South African team was going to celebrate the first goal of the World Cup with the Macarena? To my naive eyes, the first few moves were indistinguishable from our favorite mid-90's dance craze. I nearly shat myself with joy.
  
• It allowed for some good ol' fashioned veiled racism! That's right, Alexi Lalas. It was quite 'African' and, above all, very 'rhythmic.' If only Europeans could move in unison! Forget about the beat, we've got to focus on moving at roughly the same time for now. World Cup 2014, watch out for the German samba. It's coming.
  
• It was a multi-phase event. After the few seconds of macarena (bliss), it transformed into something which can only be described as 'the TWA.' Yes, that's an awful reference. No, I don't feel bad.
  

For its combination of soul, nostalgia, and multi-part mastery, this celebration grabs the top spot on day 1.

Tip of the cap to you, South Africa. That celebration alone validates your selection as World Cup host. As a result, you're spared (for at least 24 hours) any commentary on those godforsaken buzzy horns.

Seriously. Eff the buzzy horns.

Cuauhtémoc Blanco: The New Sean May

Would you trust this man with your children/national aspirations?

Didn't think so. And that's the difference betwixt you and Mexico.

I think the commentators summed up my thoughts on Blanco best as he entered the pitch as a late sub:

'...he is quite possibly the oldest outfield player in the tournament.'
'And definitely the heaviest.'

Sean May, you have company.

Tank's Day 1 Summary

Game of the Day: This was pretty easy today. With only two games, Mexico/S. Africa easily eclipsed the snooze fest that was Uruguay/France. Both Mexico and South Africa had several fantastic chances including a long ball in the 89th minute that nearly sent the natives in Soccer City into a frenzy. Quick shout out to Siphewe Tshabala (relative of Bob Lawblaw?) for scoring South Africa's first ever goal in a world cup.

Player of the Day: Giovani Dos Santos. The Mexican wonder child stood out today in my opinion. Despite not netting a goal, he showed the creativity and skill to nearly put one in himself as well as create plenty of chances for his teammates. At only 21, he appears to be a cornerstone for the Mexican squad in the future. His speed and guile will be the difference against a Uruguay squad that showed they are capable of shelling up a very talented France team.

Play of the Day: Definitely has to go to Tshabala's goal for South Africa. A wonderful counter was capped off with a shot that couldn't have been placed any better. Perez had no shot as Tshabala took the correct angle and placed it comfortably within the upper 90.

Almost Play of the Day: Yoann Gourcuff nearly netted a free kick that might have stood up as the goal of the tournament. During the first half, France was awarded a free kick from a side angle a few yards outside the 18 box. Instead of trying to service a teammate inside the box, Gourcuff nearly snuck a direct shot past Uruguay's keeper. Only an alert and athletic Fernando Muslera kept the game at a 0-0 tie.

Impact of today on Group A: South Africa have to like their chances of advancing after today. They survived a first half onslaught from the Mexicans and really put together a nice 2nd half. Even though Mexico probably anticipated 3 points from today's game, I think anytime you can get a point from the host country is a good result. As I'm sure you've read before, no host country has failed to advance out of the group stage in the World Cup. France was the biggest disappointment of the day. Time after time, a Frenchman would find himself in fantastic position but without any support from other attacking players. Neither Ribery or Anelka made a huge impact on the game. Uruguay got a great result today. The defensive scheme worked wonders as blue jerseys consistently clogged any flow the French attack attempted to build, and they came up just enough to get Diego Forlan a couple of very nice chances. With every team getting a point today, nobody will be going home tonight feeling their next game is a life or death situation. However, France will have the most pressure on them considering they failed to punch in a single goal, and with Mexico on the horizon they could find themselves in a massive hole very quickly.

Unfortunately...

...my girlfriend begs to differ on this point. Apparently, Ribery just has a '40 year old man face.' I think it's got more of a 'Michael Jackson Beat It video knife fight outtakes' vibe. Agree to disagree.

Which leads me to my next point. Can you really feel good about punishing Ribery for slamming an underage prostitute? I feel like life has already punished him enough.

Franck Ribery. Just another 40 year old man.

Ribery is a respectable looking man

I believe I just saw Franck Ribery cleaning his teeth with a switchblade during halftime.

World Cup 2010

I have lots of feelings. International soccer brings out these feelings. Follow me in this journey to the innermost core of my sporting soul.