The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part III

And here we are to close out this three part special on the truly devastating power of the own goal (parts I and II found here and here). These three levels of self-inflicted pain, scrawled anxiously as a postscript in the Dead Sea scrolls (youtube links included), carry the weighty moniker of The Circles of Own Goal Hell. To avoid you becoming tired of my unabashedly intelligent and devilishly clever setups, let's just get right to it.

Circle III: Insult to Injury
Sometimes, embarassment, false hope, and ridicule just aren't enough. In this fast paced, 'what have you done for me lately?' world we're livin' in, why not get ahead of the game and punish yourself BEFORE you flush your country's hopes down the toilet? That's exactly what the Insult to Injury is all about. Enjoy the view, we've just summited Shit Mountain.

Nose Goes: With an example like this, you don't need an encore. Also known as the Sinus Deflection, this is what you think of when you hear 'NasalCrom.' Although the result was nothing short of horrific, I must commend this defender for bringing into the public eye the need for facial protection during soccer activities. Imagine the kind of pity cash you could bring in by airing a telethon featuring a selection of properly somber, noseless, deposed football stars. On the bright side, the hate of a nation probably isn't your first concern when you're fishing nose hairs out of your occipital lobe.


The Cansec-OH! (video here): Although baseball has been suspiciously absent from this list, it closes out the show with style. Called 'the assist of the ages' by no less than one California-based amateur sportswriter with absolutely no formal training, it can only be considered fitting punishment for expanding ones head to roughly the size of a fetal elephant through repeated steroid use. Despite this harrowing ordeal, Jose turned out just fine.

With that gem, our journey through the Circles of Own Goal Hell has come to a close. We've learned that an own goal can, in this order, break your spirits, create false hope, break your spirits again, and then break your face. Daniel Agger, it could have been so much worse.