World Cup Uni Awards: Part I

Three days have passed. Eight games have been played. But, most important of all, 16 national team uniforms (referred to henceforth, in good form, as 'kits') have graced our oh so receptive and willing eyes. Some say the World Cup is a celebration of the 'beautiful game.' Well, the game isn't so beautiful if you're slashing defenses in geometric vomit, now is it?

This football patron realizes that looking good is half the battle. As such, I give you the World Cup Uni Awards: Part I.

BEST KIT: United States. Hands down. I've spent the entire day trying to assure myself that I'd still feel this way even without a conflict of interest. It worked admirably. This kit owns. As a tribute to the England-squashing 1950 World Cup squad (that is, before the more contemporary trend of England squashing itself), this kit proves, yet again, that throwback stuff is awesome. I mean, how else can you explain this.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE SPOTTED IN THE BACKGROUND OF A LOW-BUDGET 70's PORN: Uruguay. Given, there wasn't a ton of competition in this category, but this is the most clear-cut winner of them all. The pointed collar, stunning baby blue hue, psychedelic starbursts, and general impression that it would instantaneously melt into your skin if you were to come within 15 feet of an open flame all combine to form the most powerfully seductive jersey in recent World Cup memory. Marky Mark would have been proud to wear this in Boogie Nights.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE WORN BY AN ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIENTIOUS CARTOON CHARACTER: Slovenia. Charlie Brown, come on down. That is, of course, unless you're late for your Greenpeace meeting. Slovenia, seize the moment. The time is ripe to bust out the first 'Lucy' on a free kick in World Cup history. The fans might even take the vuvuzelas away from their irreversibly numbed lips to cheer for that. Do it. You're not gonna win anyways.

KIT WHICH WOULD NEGATE THE NEED FOR A PHONE BOOTH IF YOU WANTED TO PERFORM POST-MATCH ACTS OF SUPER HEROISM: Mexico. Dark. Brooding. Dangerously tight. That's how I want my super heroes to dress. While I'm not yet 100% certain whether the kit itself or the fact that it was worn like saran wrap led to this prestigious award, I think we can all agree that the Mexican squad looked mighty... mighty... out there. Unfortunately, Blanco's late entrance as the noir version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man dulled the impact of the kit just a bit. However, the more, shall we say, 'conditioned,' of the Mexican squad would blend right in busting baddies in lower Gotham City. Despite my love for this kit, I have no choice but to dock the designers points for failing to pay attention to detail. Maybe next time.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
South Africa. You're the host, yet you choose to wear a jersey that appears to have been manufactured in 1993. I love it. Way to put recycling on the world stage.

England. No, not the kit. The three-piece suit worn by Capello and Beckham. Becks: Your foot is clinging to your leg by a thread and you're missing what in all likelihood would have been your last appearance in a World Cup, but my god, do you look stately.

And finally...

Diego Maradona. Maradona in a suit is like love between a goat and a chicken. It just doesn't work.