World Cup Uni Awards: Part II

As a man who is clearly an expert in the realm of fashion, nothing gets me quite as worked up as a good World Cup kit. In Part I, we explored the highlights, lowlights, and regularlights of the only thing between us and watching 22 naked men running around after a ball (if that seems to be an appealing prospect to you, I urge you to consider this before finalizing your judgment) for the top half of the draw. With 16 more unis making their appearance on the pitch since we last spoke, the time is ripe to discuss the only thing I could choose which has no bearing whatsoever on the outcome of the tournament.

It's time for the World Cup Uni Awards: Part II. And remember, not everyone can be a winner.

WORST KIT: Paraguay. It's truly been a rough go for the 'Guays. Innocuous enough from the front, the picture doesn't even begin to do justice to the horror which is this kit. Among the highlights, of which there are many (I'm beginning to believe 'guay' translates roughly to 'land of the collar'), the discontinuous double white stripe on the back of the jersey reigns supreme, lending the impression that the players fell victim to a rogue highway line painting truck who only put on the brakes after hearing a hearty thump. When expertly paired with some royal blue shorts and red and white horizontal striped socks, the kit takes on an overall appearance of a partially digested American flag. For those of you who prefer some concrete imagery, the ensemble bears a striking resemblance to this. For those with a flair for the abstract, this. You've got 4 years to make amends, 'Guays. The clock is ticking.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE ON THE WINNING TEAM OF THE ANNUAL HUMAN VS DEER HIDE AND SEEK MATCH: TIE. Ivory Coast & Netherlands. Who would've thought that the color of the future has been hanging out in treestands in backwoods Wisconsin this whole time? With animal-related World Cup danger at an all-time high, Ivory Coast and Netherlands have taken the forward-thinking initiative to protect their large-brained asses from god's lesser creatures. Suck on that, Darwin.

KIT MOST LIKELY TO BE COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING: Italy. Nice abs, dude... Oh. You guys are world class professional soccer players and defending World Cup champions, yet you think your washboards need a little screenprinted enhancement? Sounds like someone has confidence issues. On an unrelated note, the design has the (presumably) unintended effect of looking like Darth Vader blowing chunks. Anyways, at least we can definitively rule out having too much weight up front as a reason for your incessant flopping. Basta.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Cameroon. You've managed to look like a Christmas pimple. Festive.

Netherlands(Away). The ol' red white and blue just gets me every time. Except for those deviants in Paraguay. I picked the Dutch to win the tournament, and they're gonna look darn good doing it.

Ivory Coast. Scooping up their second award of the show, this one has nothing to do with fashion. With how obscenely tight these jerseys were, the need for invasive medical diagnostic techniques for the torso has been rendered obsolete. Honorary doctorates all around. On a more disturbing note, I believe I could, with considerable accuracy, identify what each player on the squad had for lunch. Like so.