The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part II

Spurred by the sad tale of Daniel Agger's World Cup 2010 opposite day prank, we recently sat down and had an intimate discussion regarding the intricacies of the sporting equivalent of flatulence in a space suit (that is, of course, if the space suit encompasses your entire nation): the own goal. In particular, we learned that unlike men, McDonalds chicken nuggets, and Hilary Duff made-for-tv movies, all own goals are not created equal.

In fact, each of these burning beacons of ineptitude falls into one of three broad categories, which roughly trace the path from mere haplessness to full-blown doucheitude. These are the Circles of Own Goal Hell.

The first of these ancient Circles, 'The Sheed (detailed here), is the everyman's own goal. Oft the result of poor execution and poorer luck, own goals in this category leave you feeling somewhat like this. Or potentially like this. Either way, you're probably going to want to forget about that one. Huge. Quickly.

But what if sabotaging your country alone doesn't fill your masochistic needs? Pull up a chair, little one. It's time for Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part II.

Circle II: WOO!!... Awww
What's worse than scoring a goal on yourself?

Scoring a on goal on yourself when you THINK you're scoring a goal on the other team (however, we also would have accepted a Dane Cook comedy special, dysentery, and Tyra Banks). The WOO!!... Awww is unique in just how thoroughly and swiftly it carries man from ecstasy to agony. One minute, you're scoring a goal, leading your nation to a crushing and decisive victory. The next minute... well, you're still scoring a goal, but it's the kind that leads to the manufacturing of urinal cakes bearing your likeness and causes your children to be called doodie heads at school.

In all honesty, the WOO!!...Awww is such a rare event (approximately .00001% of goals scored. Or, more conceptually, the percentage of old, leathery women who actually look good in their Juicy Couture sweatsuits), it nearly missed out on the honorable distinction as the second Circle of Own Goal Hell. In fact, I was only able to extract one such instance of its purest existence from the bowels of the interwebs. Maybe it's too grizzly, even for the most hardened of e-souls.

Distance yourself from sharp objects and grab an 'airplane illness' bag: it's time witness the WOO!!...Awww.

Japwnd: Recognizing his nation's position as a true powerhouse in international hockey, one Japanese defenseman took it upon himself to realize his culture's collectivist ideals with a gusto rarely seen in the athletic sphere and tap one in for the greater good... Oh, wait... Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure he just completely blew it. A mood swing that swift and traumatizing is the kind of thing that leads a man to get a tramp stamp of a poodle and turn up 15 years later on Bon Jovi: Behind the Music as the dude who 'just couldn't get out.' Note to self: 'Hey! That jersey looks familiar!' isn't the best thought to have right before pounding a loose puck into the open net.


Glitch in The Matrix: While not as pure and true as our example from the land of the rising sun, Shawn Marion brought us as close to the 2nd circle as we'll ever see in the land of opportunity. Marion's brush with immortality is even more impressive considering he nearly boomshakalaka'd his career off a jump ball in which he was already facing the correct basket. Based off of how utterly unconvinced Shawn seems at the end of the video that he tried to pull a switcheroo, $20 says that he went and made sure his toilet was flushing the right direction as soon as he got home.


And there you have it. Two down, one to go. The carnage keeps on comin' tomorrow when we probe the deepest, darkest crevices of an athlete's soul in The Circles of Own Goal Hell: Part III.